Depression Dependants

Husband is caught in the pit of depression. I can see him down there, hanging out with my mom. We were all down there together but I couldn’t stand it and clawed my way up.

It’s dangerous down in that hole of negativity. There’s a cold sense of comfort that comes from wrapping yourself up in misery. Nothing good left to lose. No rug to pull out from under you. Slow death disguised as coping.

The problem is that while I might not be stuck at the bottom with hubby and the momma I am still dangerously close to the edge. Depression is like a large black hole that is constantly trying to suck everything else into it. It takes immense strength to pull yourself out of it and almost as much strength, if not more, to keep from getting sucked back in.

I see them imprisoned down there but am not strong enough to lend them a hand to pull them up. I don’t think they’d take the hand even if I could offer it. Their presence down in it adds to the gravitational pull of the depression. Makes it that much harder to stay out of the pit. The negativity is contagious even to the strongest positive immune systems.

I don’t know how to motivate them to fight their way out of this. I know I can’t carry them but I feel guilty about it. I know logically I shouldn’t feel guilty but that doesn’t stop me from wrestling with it. Part of me want to distance myself until I can build up my reserves but I am more afraid to leave them alone.

I wish there was a magic phrase or action that could inspire them to want to challenge the hold depression has on them but I know from experience that each person’s battle is unique to them and their motivators will be different. What works for me doesn’t work for them. They feel safe in their negative blankets, they’ve bought into the lies whispered at them from the recesses of their minds. The self-fulfilling prophecies of pessimism reinforcing their belief that they deserve to suffer.

Battling depression is so much harder if you’re surrounded by willing participants.

Good Intentions

I barely slept Friday night. Husband had been stressing out about being “unfriended” by his family members and charged me with smoothing things over when they showed up the next day. So many strategies swirled around in my head, I could feel the acid building up in my stomach, sleep was a distant goal I never quite connected with. When the sun broke the horizon my fitful dozing fled with the dark and I found myself rolling out of bed rather early, bathed in a flood of anxiety.

Several hours later Z showed up with his mom to collect his room full of belongings. It was awkward. Husband refused to come out of our bedroom. He would send me texts instructing me to make sure Z didn’t abscond off with our power strip or HDMI cable. I felt my stress level get higher. I stopped Z’s mom on one of her trips down the stairs and told her I wanted to talk before they left. Eventually I wandered upstairs and glanced into the room Z had been staying in. Power strip and HDMI cables safely left behind I mustered up my resolve and broke the silence.

I explained as nicely as I could that the situation had changed and the stress was just too high to accommodate Z any longer in my house. It was the only aspect of shittiness I could control and my mental and physical health demanded it. I told them about how upset husband was and how that was even more stress on me. I pleaded with them to please understand and to let husband know that they would get over the minor setback and there wasn’t going to be tension at the next family gathering. I told Z we weren’t holding a grudge and that if he needed to blame someone he could blame me for being evicted as tears streamed down my face.

Before they left they asked me to go get husband. They told him there were no hard feelings, he helped them load the last of Z’s belongings and after they left husband’s mood greatly improved. I was relieved because moody husband is my least favorite husband. I walked outside shortly after to look at my garden and calm down. As I circled it I glanced down and noticed a large 5 leaf clover nestled in by a small violet.

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Took it inside and taped it to my white board on the fridge. Hoping it is an omen that things will take a turn for the better.

Spent Sunday morning volunteering with hundreds of other people (and SM and her daughter) to clean up the Minnehaha creek. People are so dirty! There was so much garbage everywhere. SM and I got a little over 4 pounds of garbage ourselves and I think overall over 4 tons of garbage was collected by all the volunteers.

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It is a bit astonishing to me that we could pull 8,000 pounds of garbage from just a small stretch of water. SM’s daughter was a big help and I told her about the large garbage cities in other countries and why it was important to not litter and to always clean up after ourselves. Hoping the lesson sticks with her.

Monday I got to work and SO’s sister (who works in the building over from me) had left me some CDs on my desk. I suspect they are inspirational┬áChristian songs. I appreciated the intention, although I am dubious as to the actuality of me enjoying them. My musical tastes lay elsewhere but I will have a listen and if they aren’t my cup of tea I will pass them along to my mom who would probably get much more out of them than I would. It was a really nice gesture though.

I am just keeping my fingers crossed that the 5 leaf clover is a jumping off point for positive events. It can’t rain all the time right?