I realized last night that the events of Monday robbed me (temporarily?) of my ability to grieve for my father.
Worst case scenario I was suddenly facing the possibility of having to mourn three losses instead of one. It was a paralyzing prospect. To lose a father, husband and the opportunity of children in one week was too much for me to comprehend. Something snapped, my mind couldn’t handle the anxiety and suddenly there was apathy.
I could no longer access my emotions. “Why bother” and “What’s the point” were my brain’s response to every thought. I auto-piloted through my work. I went walking with SM and I know she wanted to talk about my dad but I didn’t. I went walking with SO and she wanted to comfort me about my dad but all I could focus on was how defeated I felt and how confused I was about this whole thing. It wasn’t until I drove away from her last night that I realized why it seemed somehow worse to have to wait an indefinite amount of time to find out the fate of Monday’s events.
In losing my father (an inevitable part of life) I was losing a piece of my past that shaped me into the person I am. The possibility of losing my husband (and hypothetical children) was like losing my future. I love(d) my father and I know I miss him and not being able to interact with him anymore is a huge loss, but it’s a natural loss. If I lose my “future” it’s like killing hope itself. The death of hope is perhaps one of the most dangerous losses a person can experience. Hope is what keeps us going every day. I need hope to function with any sort of decency. I can’t lose hope.
I am rallying from the cold comfort of apathy. As husband goes to his negative, worst case scenario I am forcing myself to think best case scenario. I am asking my friends and family to send positive vibes my way. I will cling to hope with a fierce vice-like grip harder than to anything else in my life.
I need this resolved, I need no more bad news, I need to know hope is safe so I can get back to mourning for my father.
I am struggling so hard to come up with anything to put on this list today. I need you all to help me out and tell me…
What do YOU love today?
I was already resigned to having an overwhelming day because I was going back to work (albeit from home but still) and I knew the pile of work was only going to be oh so much higher than it was when I last looked at it. If that stress wasn’t enough not 2 hours into my work day the doorbell rings.
There are several police officers at the door. They proceed to inform me they have a warrant to search my house. They do not say why they have a warrant. They enter and ask that everyone in the house sit at the table. I go to wake up my sick husband who was sleeping in our bedroom. I am followed very closely by an officer. I am so confused and sit at the table while they search my entire house. They had detained my mother outside while she was walking her dog. They did not tell her anything either. They hand the warrant over to husband to read, he finishes and hands it to me. It doesn’t say what the probable cause is just a bunch of bullet points about how they have the right to search my property and seize any laptops, tablets, electronics, etc to search for illegal activity. I remain completely confused. I wonder if they are going to confiscate my work laptop. I ask if I can put my messenger status to “away” but am informed I am not allowed to touch my work computer.
They talk to my mother out on the porch. They talk to my roommate (not Z) out on the porch, they talk to husband out on the porch. They finally ask to talk to me. I stare at the man asking me questions. I have no answers for him. I don’t understand what they are talking about. I keep thinking I must be dreaming, caught in a nightmare. I wonder if any of my co-workers have been trying to contact me and I am just not responding. I shake my head helplessly over and over again when the man asks me about a zune and peer to peer something. I don’t know what he’s talking about. I wonder what husband had been doing. I am finally allowed to go back inside and sit at the table with everyone else.
Z comes home in the middle of it, he is searched but they find nothing. Eventually the police leave and take my husband’s tablet and our laptop with them. They are looking for something on them, they will let us know in a couple months. I still don’t know what they are looking for. I ask husband and he says he doesn’t know either, that he is confident they won’t find anything. He goes back to sleep. I try to go back to work. I feel like I am trapped in some horrible alternate reality and I just want to go back to only being upset about work stuff.
This past week has flown by in a blink. In my attempt to cope I can’t remember much of how the time was spent. I know there were lots of supportive words and hugs, lots of decisions to be made, lots of expensive charges to the credit cards, lots of coffee, lots of memories being shared, lots of time spent at the synagogue, not too much food, not too much sleep, not too much time alone because that is dangerous and that is when you can’t distract from the thoughts.
Husband now shares my congestion, he has been very supportive and I appreciate that he has had no issues with having my mother and brother staying with us this past week. We wanted them to stay until we can clean out my mother’s house but they want to go back tonight. I am worried about them having too much time alone. Both of them have stated they feel guilty and responsible for my father’s death, although really there can be no blame in that. I understand that guilt is a natural part of grieving but it worries me because this loss has come so soon on top of losing Lillian. I don’t want to see them hurting so much. Also, though, taking care of them allows me to avoid having to fully embrace the reality that I have lost my biggest and strongest safety net and that any future children I have will never know what it’s like to have my father as their Zayde.
I can’t quite deal with the thought of going back to work tomorrow, I will ease into it by working from home, hopefully the entire week. I am still sick, still probably contagious, so that’s another reason to avoid the office. Really I know I will cry when some of my coworkers offer their condolences and I don’t want to do that right now, I don’t need to add to the congestion.
Next weekend we will start cleaning out their house. Rent a dumpster really clean out the house. I will breakdown. I already know it will happen. There will be lots of family there to help but it won’t stop me from losing it. I had just gotten to a point where I was pretty much back to “ok” after Lillian’s death. It’s like you are on a path and something slaps you off into high grass and brush full of thorns and stickers and ticks. Sometimes it takes awhile to find your way back to the path again, except often it’s a different path you find yourself on but you are just grateful to out of the weeds and so you travel that path even if it’s not the one you wanted to be on. No sooner had we found at least a semblance of a path again through the wilderness and we have been slapped even harder and father off, lost in the brambles surrounded by pain and anxiety. I don’t know how long it will take to find the road back to ok this time.
Finally starting to recover a bit from my respiratory infection, had some tasty fettucine alfredo for dinner, the cats seem to be accepting living with a dog (temporarily) and I got to spend some time with my favorite cousin.
What’s right with YOU today?