Complexity of inner dialogues

I am and have been very unhappy for years now. I have tried to rally and I have used the logical part of me to persevere, but eventually as circumstances have not improved the logical side eventually started to fall to the dark side. I created a beverage the other day that had an unexpected side effect. For the first time in almost three years I felt emotionally stable, I felt ok. It took me two hours to figure out that the unsettling feeling I was experiencing was that I wasn’t battling anxiety and depression or masking it with an overdose of dopamine. I actually felt completely ok. The problem was that when it wore off mid-way through Friday and the anxiety and depression came back, it really started to make me panic. I didn’t want to have to deal with all the horrible negative emotions I spend my days trying to suppress because of external situations out of my control. The panic made me choose an action that could have ultimately killed me. When I woke up Saturday morning I was mostly disappointed that it hadn’t because none of my problems have gone away. I really need someone to care about how the actions of those around me affect me. The harassment, the indifference, it really takes a toll on someone who is already stressed out and has been stressed out for so long. When I shout and shout and shout that this needs to stop and you don’t listen, it really makes me wonder what it would take to make you finally care about someone else. I deserve to be treated with respect and I deserve to have people care about my well-being and that is why I am so frustrated that no one else seems to believe it.

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