Where Did I Go?

I used to spend most of my time out socializing, having random adventures, creating memories. I have this deep well of experiences that I can draw upon in times of stress or self-pity. Lately, I feel like I have let life continue around me while I try to lose myself in Netflix stored television series as a way to block out all the things in my life that I am not happy about. Occasionally I will go out and create new memories to add to my collection, but mostly I am trying to pass the time as quickly and effortlessly as possible. It means my depression levels are extremely high again, it means I am back on the edge and I won’t know how tenuous my hold on stability is until I have dragged myself back away from the deep chasm of destructive emotions. Years ago, when antidepressants were not a viable option, I trained myself to use apathy to compartmentalized my depression. I would keep it locked away and ignore it. This tactic allowed me to continue getting up each morning and going to work, allowed me to complete college and even allowed me to engage with others in a social environment. It took a huge toll on my body though. It is exhausting to do this year after year. You feed the depression your creativity to keep it quiet. Then you feed it your motivation, then it is your hope. Depression has a voracious appetite. I worry now that I am feeding the depression too much. What if it takes my motivation to keep my relationships alive, robs me of my investment in other people? If I stop caring, stop putting in the effort with others, would they stick by me or let their hurt blind them to my pain? I need to know that I can control this, that I can rise above it. I need to know that depression will not define me or prevent me from living. I need to find myself again, the me that doesn’t allow herself to sabotage things simply because it seems like too much work to do otherwise. I hope I do…before my coffee wears off and I succumb to the apathy.

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15 thoughts on “Where Did I Go?

  1. This is like you are describing my life! I have started feeling the apathy lately, but at least now I recognize it and will deal. Good luck to you.

    • Thank you, I keep thinking eventually I won’t have to deal with this anymore, but I am beginning to suspect it will be a lifelong battle. At least you learn as you go along and that helps.

  2. This might be part of aging. I’d rather not put up with the nonsense that exists in our society today. Hanging around with a bunch of drinking friends has lost it’s appeal. Are we maturing or have we just reached our drink limit?

    • While the appeal of going out drinking has definitely faded as I’ve gotten older, the majority of my younger adventures were created completely sober. I used to create entire lists of places to go check out, used to create a new recipe on a regular basis by experimenting with different flavors, used to grab my camera and rally others into participating in random photo shoots…now I sit here and watch series on Netflix while my husband sits on the couch next to me playing COD. I’d love to go out and do things but he has no interest in it and I am sick of having to create all my new memories without him. I think that is the biggest issue, I am struggling to find a way to motivate him to live life beyond the couch and as I continue to fail in that endeavor it makes me unmotivated to do anything else.

  3. words feel inadequate but i’ll still write it: i wish you all the best. hope by now that the day was calming. hope that the days to come will be productive both personally and creatively

    • Why thank you. I think the new camera I just got will definitely inspire me to get out there and feed my creativity. Fake it till you make it and I have been doing my best to try and stay busy.

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