I Can’t Even…

I was already resigned to having an overwhelming day because I was going back to work (albeit from home but still) and I knew the pile of work was only going to be oh so much higher than it was when I last looked at it. If that stress wasn’t enough not 2 hours into my work day the doorbell rings.

There are several police officers at the door. They proceed to inform me they have a warrant to search my house. They do not say why they have a warrant. They enter and ask that everyone in the house sit at the table. I go to wake up my sick husband who was sleeping in our bedroom. I am followed very closely by an officer. I am so confused and sit at the table while they search my entire house. They had detained my mother outside while she was walking her dog. They did not tell her anything either. They hand the warrant over to husband to read, he finishes and hands it to me. It doesn’t say what the probable cause is just a bunch of bullet points about how they have the right to search my property and seize any laptops, tablets, electronics, etc to search for illegal activity. I remain completely confused. I wonder if they are going to confiscate my work laptop. I ask if I can put my messenger status to “away” but am informed I am not allowed to touch my work computer.

They talk to my mother out on the porch. They talk to my roommate (not Z) out on the porch, they talk to husband out on the porch. They finally ask to talk to me. I stare at the man asking me questions. I have no answers for him. I don’t understand what they are talking about. I keep thinking I must be dreaming, caught in a nightmare. I wonder if any of my co-workers have been trying to contact me and I am just not responding. I shake my head helplessly over and over again when the man asks me about a zune and peer to peer something. I don’t know what he’s talking about. I wonder what husband had been doing. I am finally allowed to go back inside and sit at the table with everyone else.

Z comes home in the middle of it, he is searched but they find nothing. Eventually the police leave and take my husband’s tablet and our laptop with them. They are looking for something on them, they will let us know in a couple months. I still don’t know what they are looking for. I ask husband and he says he doesn’t know either, that he is confident they won’t find anything. He goes back to sleep. I try to go back to work. I feel like I am trapped in some horrible alternate reality and I just want to go back to only being upset about work stuff.

The Long Road To Ok

This past week has flown by in a blink. In my attempt to cope I can’t remember much of how the time was spent. I know there were lots of supportive words and hugs, lots of decisions to be made, lots of expensive charges to the credit cards, lots of coffee, lots of memories being shared, lots of time spent at the synagogue, not too much food, not too much sleep, not too much time alone because that is dangerous and that is when you can’t distract from the thoughts.

Husband now shares my congestion, he has been very supportive and I appreciate that he has had no issues with having my mother and brother staying with us this past week. We wanted them to stay until we can clean out my mother’s house but they want to go back tonight. I am worried about them having too much time alone. Both of them have stated they feel guilty and responsible for my father’s death, although really there can be no blame in that. I understand that guilt is a natural part of grieving but it worries me because this loss has come so soon on top of losing Lillian. I don’t want to see them hurting so much. Also, though, taking care of them allows me to avoid having to fully embrace the reality that I have lost my biggest and strongest safety net and that any future children I have will never know what it’s like to have my father as their Zayde.

I can’t quite deal with the thought of going back to work tomorrow, I will ease into it by working from home, hopefully the entire week. I am still sick, still probably contagious, so that’s another reason to avoid the office. Really I know I will cry when some of my coworkers offer their condolences and I don’t want to do that right now, I don’t need to add to the congestion.

Next weekend we will start cleaning out their house. Rent a dumpster really clean out the house. I will breakdown. I already know it will happen. There will be lots of family there to help but it won’t stop me from losing it. I had just gotten to a point where I was pretty much back to “ok” after Lillian’s death. It’s like you are on a path and something slaps you off into high grass and brush full of thorns and stickers and ticks. Sometimes it takes awhile to find your way back to the path again, except often it’s a different path you find yourself on but you are just grateful to out of the weeds and so you travel that path even if it’s not the one you wanted to be on. No sooner had we found at least a semblance of a path again through the wilderness and we have been slapped even harder and father off, lost in the brambles surrounded by pain and anxiety. I don’t know how long it will take to find the road back to ok this time.

What’s Right With You Today?

Finally starting to recover a bit from my respiratory infection, had some tasty fettucine alfredo for dinner, the cats seem to be accepting living with a dog (temporarily) and I got to spend some time with my favorite cousin.

What’s right with YOU today?

I Hate Mercy Hospital

I was going to write this diary entry about my awesome day where I flew a plane. It was pretty fucking awesome. However, before I could sit down and write that entry I got a call from my mom.

At 1:22ish on Sunday the 21st of June 2015 I received a call from my beloved father. Since I was standing in line at Target waiting to have my Cartwheel barcode scanned I hit the ignore button. A min later the voicemail notification flashed. While walking to my car I called him back and had a brief typical conversation with him. He told me to come over at 4 for the BBQ and joked about mom. We exchanged “I love yous” and hung up. I went home and unloaded groceries. Around 2:15 I heard my phone ring. It was from my dad’s number but it was my mom on the other end. “Your father’s had a stroke or something, we’re headed to the emergency room.” I felt my breath catch in my throat. I told her I would meet her there and grabbed my keys and headed out the door. It wasn’t a stroke. Got to the hospital and found out it was an anyurism that had burst in the middle of his brain. He was bleeding out and there was nothing they could do for him. He was completely unresponsive. The best they could do was make him “comfortable” and wait out his death. We informed family members. One by one they flocked to the hosipital. We surrounded him as he lay there, occassionaly convulsing but completely unresponsive. We told him we loved him and shared our favorite memories. Eventually the Rabbi arrived. Prayers were recited. We held hands and prayed for him. Everyone but my mom, brother and I left the room. The Rabbi said the last prayer and as he finished talking my father passed on. It had barely been 3 hours since he collapsed getting out of his vehicle in the driveway of my childhood home. My mother couldn’t bear to go home. I told her to stay at my house. I went by and grabbed her a bag of clothes and supplies. My mother, brother and their dog all came to my house. We ate whatever we found in my fridge and now I am typing this. I am supposed to be writing an obituary but I am not ready to do that. I am numb and I don’t want to live in a world where my dad isn’t a phone call away. I don’t know how to be me without my dad around. I’ve never had to live without him. I don’t really want to. I thought this week was finally starting to get better. What a fucking joke.

What’s Right With You Today?

I flew a motherfucking plane and I didn’t crash, also I made a pretty great breakfast and a perfect pot roast for dinner, not to mention completed all the chores and gift purchasing on the “to do” list and did I mention I flew a motherfucking plane!

What’s right with YOU today?


Still stuck in a swirl of stress. Computer issues plagued my morning and while chatting with someone after a meeting I got the feeling I was being given a thinly veiled warning regarding my job security. Not an hour after this warning I was pulled aside by my boss to discuss an internal email response I had sent weeks ago about a status request. Even though my boss didn’t think there was anything wrong with my response someone higher up felt it was somehow inappropriate and wanted me reprimanded for it. I asked how they wanted that response changed for the future and my boss couldn’t even give me an answer because there really wasn’t anything in my response to warrant getting upset about, he was as confused about it needing to be “discussed” as I was. At least I had the good sense to not act defensive and aimiably agreed to “be more careful” in future correspondence although this was clearly someone higher up grasping at a straw to somehow take me down a notch or something. If my boss feels ridiculous having to talk to me about it I know it’s bullshit. The rest of the day was an exercise in my ability to refrain from succumbing to the feelings of overwhelming stress and anxiety. I managed to make it to my car before I burst into tears. SK called me on the way home and I could hear all the negativity pouring out of me as we talked. I stopped myself with great effort and informed him we wouldn’t be walking that evening because I was clearly terrible company and I couldn’t bear to inflict myself on innocent bystanders while in that mood. I spent the night making gluten free mozzarella sticks and looking for new jobs to apply for. I hope this awful mood can be eradicated soon.