Husband is caught in the pit of depression. I can see him down there, hanging out with my mom. We were all down there together but I couldn’t stand it and clawed my way up.
It’s dangerous down in that hole of negativity. There’s a cold sense of comfort that comes from wrapping yourself up in misery. Nothing good left to lose. No rug to pull out from under you. Slow death disguised as coping.
The problem is that while I might not be stuck at the bottom with hubby and the momma I am still dangerously close to the edge. Depression is like a large black hole that is constantly trying to suck everything else into it. It takes immense strength to pull yourself out of it and almost as much strength, if not more, to keep from getting sucked back in.
I see them imprisoned down there but am not strong enough to lend them a hand to pull them up. I don’t think they’d take the hand even if I could offer it. Their presence down in it adds to the gravitational pull of the depression. Makes it that much harder to stay out of the pit. The negativity is contagious even to the strongest positive immune systems.
I don’t know how to motivate them to fight their way out of this. I know I can’t carry them but I feel guilty about it. I know logically I shouldn’t feel guilty but that doesn’t stop me from wrestling with it. Part of me want to distance myself until I can build up my reserves but I am more afraid to leave them alone.
I wish there was a magic phrase or action that could inspire them to want to challenge the hold depression has on them but I know from experience that each person’s battle is unique to them and their motivators will be different. What works for me doesn’t work for them. They feel safe in their negative blankets, they’ve bought into the lies whispered at them from the recesses of their minds. The self-fulfilling prophecies of pessimism reinforcing their belief that they deserve to suffer.
Battling depression is so much harder if you’re surrounded by willing participants.
This song on repeat alllllll day!
Lovely weather with a light breeze, home-made stir fry, mental fortitude and the musical interlude 2:06 minutes into the song “Hand That Feeds.”
What do YOU love today?
I barely slept Friday night. Husband had been stressing out about being “unfriended” by his family members and charged me with smoothing things over when they showed up the next day. So many strategies swirled around in my head, I could feel the acid building up in my stomach, sleep was a distant goal I never quite connected with. When the sun broke the horizon my fitful dozing fled with the dark and I found myself rolling out of bed rather early, bathed in a flood of anxiety.
Several hours later Z showed up with his mom to collect his room full of belongings. It was awkward. Husband refused to come out of our bedroom. He would send me texts instructing me to make sure Z didn’t abscond off with our power strip or HDMI cable. I felt my stress level get higher. I stopped Z’s mom on one of her trips down the stairs and told her I wanted to talk before they left. Eventually I wandered upstairs and glanced into the room Z had been staying in. Power strip and HDMI cables safely left behind I mustered up my resolve and broke the silence.
I explained as nicely as I could that the situation had changed and the stress was just too high to accommodate Z any longer in my house. It was the only aspect of shittiness I could control and my mental and physical health demanded it. I told them about how upset husband was and how that was even more stress on me. I pleaded with them to please understand and to let husband know that they would get over the minor setback and there wasn’t going to be tension at the next family gathering. I told Z we weren’t holding a grudge and that if he needed to blame someone he could blame me for being evicted as tears streamed down my face.
Before they left they asked me to go get husband. They told him there were no hard feelings, he helped them load the last of Z’s belongings and after they left husband’s mood greatly improved. I was relieved because moody husband is my least favorite husband. I walked outside shortly after to look at my garden and calm down. As I circled it I glanced down and noticed a large 5 leaf clover nestled in by a small violet.
Took it inside and taped it to my white board on the fridge. Hoping it is an omen that things will take a turn for the better.
Spent Sunday morning volunteering with hundreds of other people (and SM and her daughter) to clean up the Minnehaha creek. People are so dirty! There was so much garbage everywhere. SM and I got a little over 4 pounds of garbage ourselves and I think overall over 4 tons of garbage was collected by all the volunteers.
It is a bit astonishing to me that we could pull 8,000 pounds of garbage from just a small stretch of water. SM’s daughter was a big help and I told her about the large garbage cities in other countries and why it was important to not litter and to always clean up after ourselves. Hoping the lesson sticks with her.
Monday I got to work and SO’s sister (who works in the building over from me) had left me some CDs on my desk. I suspect they are inspirational Christian songs. I appreciated the intention, although I am dubious as to the actuality of me enjoying them. My musical tastes lay elsewhere but I will have a listen and if they aren’t my cup of tea I will pass them along to my mom who would probably get much more out of them than I would. It was a really nice gesture though.
I am just keeping my fingers crossed that the 5 leaf clover is a jumping off point for positive events. It can’t rain all the time right?
This week started out terrible. Monday was painful both physically and emotionally. My stressed out body informed me that it had no capacity for generating life at this time so that was another blow. I did go walking around the lake Monday by myself in hopes that some solitude, mild exercise and beautiful scenery would help me let go of the loss I was feeling.
Tuesday was an exercise in frustration in regards to work. I also found out that the rim we had ordered last week and were charged for had not in fact been ordered and so had not arrived at the shop like it was supposed to be. My car repairs had to be postponed which threw off the rest of my week’s schedule. SO and I went walking around the lake in the evening and were yelled at by some angry lady because we stood by our cars on the street outside of her house for a couple minutes after our walk doing the typical long MN goodbye. Got home and husband informed me of new expenses that were coming up in regard to our house. He had found new things that were done incorrectly by the builder relating to the structure…oh joy, well at least we know now why our house is pulling itself apart.
Wednesday seemed like it was going to be a kind day, started off so well, but by the afternoon it had really started to go downhill fast. Got a letter in the mail from lawyer. Apparently the lawyer from a company we had dealt with last year was trying to claim we had breached our contract agreement from December of 2014. We had not actually done anything to warrant this accusation and we had already informed our lawyer of this at the beginning of June when he had called us about it.
Prior to getting a lawyer we had filed a complaint with the Better Business Bureau against the company because they were refusing to fulfill the contract we had with them that we had paid them in full for. We had given them almost 2 years to do it so it’s not like we were being unreasonable. They, however, were being very unprofessional about the entire thing and it was getting ridiculous and putting our health and home in danger. The company wasn’t responding to the BBB complaint and so we ended up getting a lawyer. Eventually we came to a settlement agreement, which still left us being screwed over but at least we were only out half our money instead of the full amount. Part of the agreement was that we would not post any new negative reviews about the company (husband had posted numerous ones prior to getting a lawyer trying to not only get the company to take responsibility for their actions, or lack thereof, but to also warn other consumers about the unprofessional nature of the company) however we were not obligated to remove any of the reviews already online. We also agreed to close out the BBB complaint, which we did.
The company’s lawyer is claiming we filed the BBB complaint on 12/11/14, 6 days after signing the settlement contract. He is claiming that because if you search for that company in the BBB database it will show the complaints listed against them. It doesn’t show the full summary of activity, just the last date the complaint was updated, the content of the original complaint and whatever the final resolution was. 12/11/14 is actually the date that the complaint was closed out once we had sent the BBB proof that we had come to a settlement with the company. It should occur to anyone with even half a brain that if there is mention of a complaint in a settlement agreement that it must already exist and if they were still confused about the date, all they would have to do is contact the BBB for clarification. Nope, this asshole decided he is going to basically harass me with these accusations instead of getting any proof.
I easily pulled up the full summary that clearly showed the complaint was filed in October and closed out on that 12/11/14 date and sent it to lawyer. I told lawyer I better not hear anything else about this because it is just ridiculous and unnecessary and I also better not get billed for this. I didn’t ask him to represent me on this and that company’s lawyer could just as easily be contacting me about it. I did not give lawyer permission to take that call on my behalf or ask him to send me any correspondence. I will not spend one more cent because of that shitty awful company.
As I was waiting for husband to come home so we could discuss the whole lawyer letter I heard a knock at my door. Turns out it was my mom. She had locked herself out of her house and her cell phone was dead. Her natural response was to drive all the way to my house even though she had given my spare key to her house to her sister. I called my aunt and arranged to stop by and get the key. I drove my mom back to her house and told her to pack some clothes and grab the dog. Since my brother is out of town in WA for the next couple of weeks for work she has been by herself. Clearly she is not doing ok on her own and I don’t have the time or ability to be worrying about checking in on her everyday (her house is about 45 miles away) so she just needs to come stay with me until my brother gets back. She complied with my wishes and I drove us back to my place and went to bed for the night.
Thursday at work I stepped away from my desk for my weekly committee meeting. Came back 30 minutes later to numerous missed calls from my mom and husband. Turns out Z had left the house and set the alarm for no good reason. My mom went to take the dog for a walk and didn’t see the alarm was on. She set it off and in her panic forgot the alarm code. She called my phone literally one minute after I had left for my meeting. There were a series of progressively more hysterical voicemails from her. I could hear the alarm blaring in the background. Then I could hear the police. Yep the police came to make sure my mom wasn’t burgluring my house. Luckily good roommate came home right as the cops showed up and smoothed things over. Another panicky call over nothing right as I was leaving work for the day distracted me just enough to forget to grab my laptop as I left. Figured that out at 10:30 at night so there would be no working from home for me on Friday, even though my car needed to go to the shop to get the rest of the repairs done on it.
Took my mom’s car in to work today, forgot to grab my work badge so I had to go through the security desk and verify my identity to get in the building. I am so done with this week. I don’t understand where all this chaos is coming from. I am, however, very very grateful for my support network. Without all the people who have given me support, kind words, warm sentiments, useful advice and much needed hugs I don’t think I would be able to get up after all these blows. Yet get up I do, and will continue to do until my dying breath.