I want to curl up in a small little ball with the covers pulled up and hide in the black recesses of sleep. Instead I keep finding myself getting up and putting on clothes, putting some type of sustenance in my body, cleaning up around the house, going for walks…essentially living.
It is weird how much can happen and you just keep going about your day.
However, when I lay down to go to sleep the walls I have up to shield me from my emotions start to slide down. The panic starts in, it takes all my effort to calm my thoughts and I find myself fighting against the stress until the sweet relief of unconsciousness takes over. I don’t know if I want to know just how much is being held back by those walls I’ve erected in my mind.
I wonder what kind of mental stress tests military people are put through. I wonder just how far a mind can go without breaking. What is life preparing me for with all of this stress? I could go crazy if I focus too much on “whys” because there will never be any answers. Life does not promise us any rose gardens and even if it did you’d still have to deal with the thorns.
I find myself getting mad when I hear people bitching about small non-issues and complaining about utterly trivial things. I think to myself that they must not realize how lucky they are if that’s their biggest problem. I wonder how they can’t see how blessed their life is and how sad it is that they would waste any time putting negativity out there for something so small. Then I have to remind myself that it’s all about perspective and since I wouldn’t wish my trials and tribulations on anyone else how would I expect them to see things the same way I do.
Life is hard how do people keep doing this?