I want to curl up in a small little ball with the covers pulled up and hide in the black recesses of sleep. Instead I keep finding myself getting up and putting on clothes, putting some type of sustenance in my body, cleaning up around the house, going for walks…essentially living.

It is weird how much can happen and you just keep going about your day.

However, when I lay down to go to sleep the walls I have up to shield me from my emotions start to slide down. The panic starts in, it takes all my effort to calm my thoughts and I find myself fighting against the stress until the sweet relief of unconsciousness takes over. I don’t know if I want to know just how much is being held back by those walls I’ve erected in my mind.

I wonder what kind of mental stress tests military people are put through. I wonder just how far a mind can go without breaking. What is life preparing me for with all of this stress? I could go crazy if I focus too much on “whys” because there will never be any answers. Life does not promise us any rose gardens and even if it did you’d still have to deal with the thorns.

I find myself getting mad when I hear people bitching about small non-issues and complaining about utterly trivial things. I think to myself that they must not realize how lucky they are if that’s their biggest problem. I wonder how they can’t see how blessed their life is and how sad it is that they would waste any time putting negativity out there for something so small. Then I have to remind myself that it’s all about perspective and since I wouldn’t wish my trials and tribulations on anyone else how would I expect them to see things the same way I do.

Life is hard how do people keep doing this?


17 thoughts on “7/7/15

  1. You are amazing that you are keeping going. It is all you can do really.
    My only suggestion to deal with the enormous stress you are under, as it is happening, is to try release some each day, like you are doing with your walks. If you can manage something that gets your heart rate up, like a bit of a jog or skipping, that will really help with coping with the massive amounts of adrenalin your body is producing to try to cope with the stress.
    And it is true, people moan about the most trivial things – it is hard to put up with them.
    Hang in there!

  2. Hugs hugs hugs to you. Wrap you up and hold you close hugs.
    I really don’t know how we do continue on after unexpected deaths (or other disasters) but we do. Find those things that make you feel better, like: your photographs, loving on your family, remembering with your mom and family all those special things you don’t want to forget, petting a companion animal, blowing bubbles, swinging on a swing (porch or otherwise), find music that enheartens you, work in your garden in the cool of the day ‘orning or evening), things of this sort. I do speak from experience and it is not easy to do. All we can do is try if we want to continue to live. A grief counselor might help.
    Love always,

  3. I don’t normally give advice and yet having gone through a number of medical situations where I thought I would die, literally, the best I can say is just put one foot ahead of the other and do what you have to to get through each day. You will come out the other side – as much as you can’t see it now, there is an end to the tunnel.

    Hang in there DBA. 🙂

    • Thank you sir. Speaking of advice, how hard is it to get a CDL? I’ve been mulling over getting one and becoming a crane operator but I’m not sure what my investment would be if I decided to do it.

      • Here in Canada the course is between $5k and $7k but that varies hugely from place to place and in some places where the unemployment is high, our gov’t will pickup the tab – i don’t know about your gov’t. Here it is not required to take the course, as long as you can pass your written and road tests, you’re good to go. Honestly DBA , getting the licence, as time consuming as it may be, is the easy part. The hard part is earning your stripes. For instance,the last company I worked for had insurance that required that the driver have a minimum of 3 years experience without an accident and we insisted on 5 years minimum. Sigh. There is one category of driving that always will hire and will get you your experience. In trucking that would be long haul for big companies like Schneider or J.B. Hunt, etc. And that means gone for weeks at a time and usually with a partner – they like their trucks to roll 24/7. I don’t know how you do your time as a crane operator, but my guess is that it will involve some hardship. It is never simple.

        I’d actually love to drive crane – I’ve played with backhoes and bulldozers and front end loaders – but never cranes. Oh, the construction equipment wasn’t because I was trained, it was because i had no choice. When I hauled heavy equipment and low decks and floats – it wasn’t uncommon for a customer to just call up and give the address for pick-up and tell dispatch that the key was in the ignition. Some of the bigger pieces of equipment don’t even have keys, just a button or switch. So, the truck driver had to figure out how to drive the equipment to survive – and it was fun to play with.

        The very, very best way to get experience is to find someone you know who drives/operates for a living and have them teach you. That way you get real live loads and experience and not just “schooling”. But that’s not always an option.

        Best of luck. That said, this may not be the best time of your life to make major changes unless there is no choice. Just sorta hunker down and hold on until the avalanche stops and you can dig out. 😀

      • You make a good point, husband’s company needs crane operators and they pay obscenely well for them. I was tossing the idea around but who knows what the future holds for me.

      • if you can get access to your husband’s company’s cranes, that would be an ideal ,learning experience. If he has been there a while and is respected, you could likely work out either a no pay or low pay apprenticeship to learn. Many companies will do that if you offer. But remember it will involve a lot of grunt work and sweat equity to earn your stripes. Anything I have done involving cranes, they come with a lot of auxiliary people like lollipop turners (flag people), set up crew, site control personnel (depending on the size of the job and crane), etc.

        You can do anything you put your mind to DBA.

  4. The only way to get through is one step at a time and be thankful you woke up today. The nights are the worst—when it’s quiet and all your mind has to do is go through all the what-ifs and whys. I didn’t know my breaking point until I hit it but you know, I survived and I try to live each day the best I can. Just keep on going and enjoy the small things.

  5. Remember the old saying something like – life’s a bitch and then you die. LOL Life really is a journey with lots of hills and valleys but the mind plays a huge role. During really stressful times, I put on headphones blaring my favorite music and get some exercise which is good for the body and the soul.

  6. I would agree with everything that has been said by everyone else. One step at a time and be patient with yourself. Night time is the worst – I know. The more you desire sleep the further away it goes. When my first husband left me I found it almost impossible to go to bed and would stay up most of the night trying to find stuff to do which would stop me thinking about how unhappy I was. There will be gradual improvements and you will get through it I am sure. You won’t be the same person though – you will have changed.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s