So That Happened

Friday night I went to stay at my mom’s house because I was going to be driving her to and from my cousin’s wedding 3 hours away Saturday. I thought I would be sleeping on the couch out in the the season porch like I normally do but my mom waited till I had situated myself to ask me if I wouldn’t mind letting her sleep out there and would I please just sleep in her bedroom.

Her bedroom used to be my bedroom before I moved out. I had, in my teenage years, expressed my angst and creativity all over that room. The walls were a hodgepodge of paint colors and textures. The doors to the closet and room were covered in drawings, song lyrics, tags from my friend and comic strips I thought were funny. I even had fantasy graphic wall plates on the light switches.20150814_232336_resized

When I moved out in my early 20s my brother took over that room, when he had his daughter my parent’s gave him their downstairs master and moved back upstairs. In the eleven years since it was last my room no one had ever bothered to repaint or replace any of the doors or wall plates.

Not only was it weird to sleep in my parent’s bed, avoiding what used to be my dad’s side at all costs and sleeping on top of the covers, but it was doubly weird to look up and see the same painted ceiling and glowing stars on the closet door like I had thousands of times before. The other thing that was keeping me up all night was the palpable feeling of sadness and depression that was pushing at me from all directions. You could literally sense the sorrow and it permeated every inch of that room. I did not get much sleep and there were no dreams which is weird for me.

Saturday arrived and my mom dragged her feet getting ready to leave but eventually we got on the road and headed west. Eventually we got to the church and waited for the ceremony to start. It was a small wedding and, I later found out, purely ceremonial as my cousin remains married to his first wife still, the divorce not yet finalized, so I drove all that way for a charade. Oh well, it kept my mom’s mind semi off the fact that it would’ve been her 35th wedding anniversary that day.

Made the long drive back to my mom’s and then grabbed my stuff and drove myself home. It was more than enough time spent in the car for one day. I am happy that I did not get any salmonella poisoning from the raw chicken that was nestled into the salad I shared with my mom at the Mexican restaurant in Little Falls. Got home and fell into bed.

Spent Sunday working on the basement trying to figure out how to reconnect all the switches and outlets we had to disconnect to work on the walls. Small progress but progress nonetheless.

Had some uneasy feelings of impending doom today which is weird because I found 7 five-leaf covers this morning on my walk. 20150817_090020_resized

Hoping that this feeling goes away soon and my countdown to vacation starting is now down to only 4 days away. Hoping nothing happens to prevent that much needed relaxing family time.


9 thoughts on “So That Happened

  1. My daughter did the same thing in her bedroom in the 90’s. My husband was so worried in case we couldn’t sell the house in 2004 because of it, but we sold it no trouble!
    I don’t think it at all surprising you couldn’t sleep in your old room or that you are having feelings of impending doom and depression. You have had such a lot to deal with in the last 18 months and it will take you some time to come to terms with it all. Each time something bad happens or whenever you are reminded of unhappy times the wounds will re-open. With time the pain will be less, I hope. I know a little how you are feeling. My mother-in-law died last Thursday 13th August of a heart attack. She was nearly 90 years old and in poor health so not a complete surprise. We are trying to come to terms with it but it has also reminded me of my father’s death which was 5 years ago next Sunday 23rd August. Life is hard.
    Have a wonderful vacation. Try to relax and put your troubles to one side and come home again refreshed. xx

  2. You’ll make it to vacation – all will be well. You lost a beloved parent on a holiday – you will be nervous going into any holiday for a while. Be well. 😀

  3. I now have the room that each of my daughters used as they grew. The oldest moved out, the middle child took the room – the middle child subsequently moved out, and the youngest took the room. Then the youngest moved, and I took the room. While I did repaint and add my own furniture and such, there are still mementos of each child in that room – the glowing plastic stars on the ceiling, the movie poster taped behind the door.

    My girls tell me they hate that room, but I love it. It makes me feel so much closer to each of them now that they have homes of their own.

    I’m sorry that your memories of your old room are not particularly happy ones, and I understand. But if it makes you feel any better today, the post was well-written, and I’m glad to have found your blog. I’ll be joining your followers.

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