We’re All Broken

Sometimes I write about some of the things going on in my life. Most of the time what I do reveal barely scratches the surface.

I was cursed with an “interesting” life, both in the dictionary definition and in the MN definition of the word. No rest for the weary or the wicked and karma is taking the long way round to greet me.

I’m not sure I even know how to live without drama anymore, if I ever really did. I’m not sure I am capable of making healthy choices if any ever do present themselves. Not to say I don’t take care of myself and try to steer myself to circumstances that will benefit, however that penchant for self destruction always seems to be a breath away. Waiting to tempt me down a path that will lead only to ruin. Enticing justifications for why I should make poor choices. Excuses…nothing but fancied up excuses, every single one.

When I filed for divorce I thought maybe I would finally be able to break free of a relationship that was complex but oh so destructive. I was tired of the cycle and tired of the knowledge that love isn’t all you need. Tired of giving what little I had and leaving myself overly depleted. I ended my marriage but nothing changed. The situation was not typical, my heart wouldn’t harden enough to protect me. I was still trapped and wanting nothing more than to run and run and run until every familiar thing had been left behind.

Many months later I still want to run. I want to run from the emotional drain of my house and the people in it. I want to start over and never look back. I don’t know what’s stopping me. Is it love, is it guilt, is it an addiction to drama, financial restrictions or is it just that I am too broken?

I stand at a crossroad right now. Behind me is the man I survived the last 8 years of life with. A man who (at least thinks he) loves me with all his heart. A man who has a very rough road ahead of him and a plethora of mental and physical health issues he needs to deal with on top of a mounting pile of financial messiness. The epitome of a “hot mess” with warning signs plastered all across him, but he is family to me and loved as unconditionally as I do my mother and brother.

Ahead of me are three paths. All of them will move me forward, away from my past and all will present their own challenges and adventures. I know which path I should walk. My logical brain has done all the calculations and mapped out the options. Yet, I find myself wanting to explore the paths less trodden. The messy paths that make me feel happy even though they make no sense. The further I explore them the farther away from my crossroad I get and the less likely I will be to choose a path that makes “sense” to my brain, not to mention everyone else in my life.

My brain screams at my heart and tells it to think about what it’s doing. My heart ignores it all. My heart wants to dive into the deep end of broken humanity and swim there indefinitely. Immersed in a tangle of damaged psyches that feel safe in a way other types of security never will. My own special version of broken.

 

 

 

 

 

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25 thoughts on “We’re All Broken

  1. I am sorry you have such hard times. All I know is that it takes a long time to recover from something like this. You have to give your self time. Any decisions made at the moment might not be the ‘right’ one, but you can only do the best you can at any given moment. Good Luck with your choices.

  2. People often form patterns of behaviour that aren’t necessarily the best thing for them! I did with my choice of partners for a long time and didn’t even realise it until I went through psychotherapy for issues relating to my physical health. It was during that time that I was able to finally see the choices I had been making and start to understand the wider reasons leading to those choices. It was and still is hard not to fall back into old patterns, to recognise my triggers and adjust my behaviour accordingly. I found CBT and counselling services really useful! If you know that you behave in a way that is detrimental to yourself and you want to make a change then you’re probably in the right frame of mind to find therapy a useful tool 🙂 It’s not about changing the core of who you are just how you make decisions and keep mindful about what can trigger you to go down the wrong track again. Good luck 🍀

    • Thank you for sharing your experience. I do partake in therapy from time to time and I genuinely know why I do what I do and why I want to make poor choices. I just need to get over my fear. I’ll get there if I just keep reminding myself of my goals.

      • Understanding is a good place to start. Developing strategies to help you deal with the fears and make decisions that will be most beneficial to you is the next step! CBT is particularly useful for that 🙂 There are good books about it available and even some Internet based courses! Keeping small and simple goals in mind is a really good strategy 🙂

  3. Separation from a partner is such a painful and heartbreaking process to go through as is the divorce that follows on from it. My heart goes out to you. My divorce came three years after my first husband left me so I had time to get used to things and know that I was making the right decision when I divorced him. However, it was many years before I could trust myself to make any kind of emotional commitment to another person.
    Unlike me when I was newly separated, you have no dependent children (though of course I know that you wanted and want children). You are now free to make whatever choices you feel are right for you though it is wise to wait until you are sure you aren’t making choices as a reaction to your unhappiness. Sometimes that wait can seem forever but it is worth it. However, as you know, we do tend to repeat ourselves in our decision making. It would be as well to talk through what you intend doing with someone who can see things from an objective point of view. You are still young and now have the chance to make a new start and be happy and successful. I wish you all the best. xx

  4. I don’t know the road you have walked or the paths before you, but I know the torment of paths that satisfy head or heart, but not both. Only when I found a path acceptable to both was I able to have peace within myself, so I would encourage you to have patience (with the world and with yourself) and to keep looking at paths. Sometimes we are lucky and the peaceful path appears “on its own,” and sometimes we have to hack away the brush that blocks our view of the peaceful path, which rather than being path 1 or path 2, is somehow path 1.5. I don’t know what that figurative statement might mean at the place where you stand, but I have faith that there exists a Path of Peace!! Praying your Shabbat brings some shalom, jen

  5. Go out with your girlfriends and tie one on -make sure you arrange a designated driver. Ha! I am terrible at those decisions DBA. I left a 12 year relationship because I wasn’t happy.I had told her that and she could not help but be who she was- and she was a kind and caring woman who really wanted love. I liked her (still do) and thought I could turn that into love – after 12 years I knew it was not doable.Then i met a woman I fell deeply for that wouldn’t even give me the time of day. Sigh. I am terrible at this DBA and no doubt will go to my grave without figuring it out. I will tell you this though, the woman I was with for 12 years, when I left her, even though it was my decision, I felt bereft for at least 5 years -like we had established this underground connection or something. You know, though, I should mention this – I have one regret.When I was young and trucking, there was an attendant at a coffee shop who asked me out for a coffee and I said No, even though I was single and available. I sometimes still think of that and it was 30 years ago.

    Who knows? If nothing else I can be used as a bad example. 🙂

    • Sometimes, even the people that do make you feel happy, aren’t the right ones for you. I think maybe we’re all just a bit too complicated and self destructive for our own good because we have nothing else but ourselves to fear (top of the food chain) nothing to keep us in check.

  6. It’s so hard to change what we know, even if it isn’t good for our happiness. I hope you find the right path and it will bring you peace and happiness.

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