I’ve set a deadline for myself. I can’t keep putting things off because I’m afraid.
I use apathy as a coping mechanism the way my mom sits in her pit of depression because she feels safe down there. Apathy works until I realize the fear that triggered it is still there. Until I face what I am afraid of I won’t feel like myself. I won’t be able to really live. The scarier the prospect the more alluring apathy is, except it’s just another trap. A trap I keep falling into, like a fish that keeps taking the baited hook. The negative emotions that come packaged with the good ones, inescapable things one must learn to live through.
I spent last night building resolve. Building the strength it takes to push away from apathy and anxiety and fear. I don’t know how this day will end yet but I am hopeful that I will be allowed the opportunity of bringing love and support to a friend I don’t see nearly often enough. I hope that I will bring even a moment of sunshine to my mom’s otherwise dreary mood. I hope to cross off everything on my daily “to do” list and maybe, if I am really lucky, I will get some spectacular news that will allow me the great sigh of relief I long for.