I’ve set a deadline for myself. I can’t keep putting things off because I’m afraid.

I use apathy as a coping mechanism the way my mom sits in her pit of depression because she feels safe down there. Apathy works until I realize the fear that triggered it is still there. Until I face what I am afraid of I won’t feel like myself. I won’t be able to really live. The scarier the prospect the more alluring apathy is, except it’s just another trap. A trap I keep falling into, like a fish that keeps taking the baited hook. The negative emotions that come packaged with the good ones, inescapable things one must learn to live through.

I spent last night building resolve. Building the strength it takes to push away from apathy and anxiety and fear. I don’t know how this day will end yet but I am hopeful that I will be allowed the opportunity of bringing love and support to a friend I don’t see nearly often enough. I hope that I will bring even a moment of sunshine to my mom’s otherwise dreary mood. I hope to cross off everything on my daily “to do” list and maybe, if I am really lucky, I will get some spectacular news that will allow me the great sigh of relief I long for.





10 thoughts on “5.13.16

  1. You are doing the right thing and that takes courage. It is also exhausting caring for someone with depression. Has your mother seen anyone (her doctor/a therapist) about her depression? Or is she denying she has depression? If she had support from someone else as well as you, your life would be a little easier.
    I hope you got to hear some good news.

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