Makes us who we are.
I wasn’t sure what I wanted to write about today. At any time there are hundreds of thoughts flowing across my brain. Every topic I started typing soon sounded too familiar and I realized I’d already written about it before. All these lessons I have learned already, lessons I tried to share with others. I forgot half of them, thank goodness I have this blog to remind me.
M has been crying non-stop for days now. He’s afraid and letting fear rule his thoughts and emotions. He wants to cling to me like a drowning man clings to a floatation device, he’s convinced that without me as his wife his life is over. He doesn’t understand why I don’t want to stay and “fix us” or why I don’t believe him when he promises all his promises of never hurting me again. He doesn’t consider my request for space to heal myself as valid, and insists it is just me trying to run away from the problem. M keeps talking about all the things that have happened to us that have made us strong and tries to persuade me that all of it was meant to keep us together now through this last hurdle. When I don’t respond back he starts to cry again. I keep reminding myself that I am not responsible for other people’s happiness and steel my heart against his tears.
Besides, why would I want to be with someone who (not only hurt/disrespected me repeatedly for years) wants to be with me because they are afraid to face the world alone? When you really love someone you respect their wishes even when it goes against what you want. When you really love someone you don’t need them to love you back. When you love someone (as opposed to being attached to them) you don’t feel fear when they aren’t around you. You don’t need to constantly be in contact with them or constant reassurance that they aren’t leaving. Your love isn’t dependent on their actions and reciprocation. I can’t seem to communicate this effectively to M though. I still don’t think he knows what true unconditional love is. Most people never learn how to give or receive it, which is a shame.
I am using the events of this past year to remind myself not to let fear rule my actions. I repeat to myself that I don’t need M as a safety net, that he can’t replace my dad for that and I just need to learn to run without one. I can’t forget the lessons life has taught me, I can’t close myself off and wall up again, that didn’t keep me safe it only made me so miserable I ended up marrying M. I need to let myself grieve because ignoring it hasn’t worked. If I spend my time thinking about all the things I don’t have I will never be happy. If I remember to appreciate what I do have and the people that I love and the ones I am lucky enough to have love me back then each day will get easier to live through. Let my lessons make me better, not bitter.