When Does My Real Life Start?

I was walking with my normal group over the lunch hour and one of the guys was talking about how he goes from thing to thing like he was trying to find the lock that fit his key, if it didn’t immediately feel right or interesting he’d move on. As such his life is full of temporary things.

When he was first mentioning it I found myself nodding in understanding, remembering how I used to feel that way when I was younger. At first I felt bad for him, poor kid hasn’t learned about how you just need to decide to invest/commit to things, etc. There was a brief moment of feeling superior as I contemplated how I’ve learned that lesson, at least, that I know how banal most of everyday life is and how it’s all about how you choose to perceive things, blah blah blah.

Then, hours later as I drove home from dinner with S I burst into tears for no apparent reason. A quick self-analysis showed I was feeling loss, further analysis indicated loss over no longer having that family dynamic I was accustomed to and I thought that was the root. I miss my dad, I’m not married anymore so no partner to share my life with, my mom and brother are in questionable emotional places and unable to provide me the comfort of past years. I cried until I felt better/arrived home and figured that was it.

Then, not 5 min later I sat down and looked around and realized that for the past decade of my life I’d been treating everything as if it was temporary. My car still felt like a rental and I never invested in it. I stopped decorating the places I lived because I figured I’d be moving soon so there was no reason to. I was in a constant state of waiting for my real life to start. I was waiting to find that lock my key would fit into. Knowing isn’t the same as learning. I knew but hadn’t really learned the lesson either.

I think I need to stop waiting because all this time it’s been my real life.

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18 thoughts on “When Does My Real Life Start?

  1. These are the life changing moments, tough as they are at the time. Realisation is the first step. Now you can plan. But I’m sorry there isn’t a family member who could offer you support right now.

  2. My heart goes out to you. I am sorry you have no family you can be comforted by but, as others have said before me, your friends are your ‘family’ and will support you. These moments of self-discovery are quite shocking at times but, because we know that what we discover is real and true, it doesn’t take too long to get used to our new self. A deeper understanding of our own character and needs makes us better able to cope in the future.

    • Well put. I should stop being surprised that I can still surprise myself. Humans spend their life in a never-ending state of self-discovery. No wonder the field of psychology is ever-growing and fascinating. How are you doing this fine week?

      • Really busy this week but I’m doing fine thank-you. My elderly mother has needed my help a lot including one hospital visit and a visit to her doctor. My younger daughter has had an exam and I’ve needed to take her to college 22 miles away and collect her again every day (nearly 90 miles driving each day) I’m a little worried about my elder daughter who is having lots of problems (work, money, relationship) and now is unwell and I’m unable to visit her until the middle of next week. Husband has been away visiting his brother since Wednesday. We are having both the bathroom and the shower room gutted and refitted next week so lots of preparation to do. A visiting rabbit has been eating its way through all my plants outside.

      • My goodness, you’ve got quite the full schedule. When it rains it pours and all. Hopefully everyone ends up more or less ok and that darn bunny finds a new garden to terrorize soon.

  3. Great, great post! I have been asking myself when life begins because I have been living as you describe. Seems like I have some soul searching to do.

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