I was walking with my normal group over the lunch hour and one of the guys was talking about how he goes from thing to thing like he was trying to find the lock that fit his key, if it didn’t immediately feel right or interesting he’d move on. As such his life is full of temporary things.
When he was first mentioning it I found myself nodding in understanding, remembering how I used to feel that way when I was younger. At first I felt bad for him, poor kid hasn’t learned about how you just need to decide to invest/commit to things, etc. There was a brief moment of feeling superior as I contemplated how I’ve learned that lesson, at least, that I know how banal most of everyday life is and how it’s all about how you choose to perceive things, blah blah blah.
Then, hours later as I drove home from dinner with S I burst into tears for no apparent reason. A quick self-analysis showed I was feeling loss, further analysis indicated loss over no longer having that family dynamic I was accustomed to and I thought that was the root. I miss my dad, I’m not married anymore so no partner to share my life with, my mom and brother are in questionable emotional places and unable to provide me the comfort of past years. I cried until I felt better/arrived home and figured that was it.
Then, not 5 min later I sat down and looked around and realized that for the past decade of my life I’d been treating everything as if it was temporary. My car still felt like a rental and I never invested in it. I stopped decorating the places I lived because I figured I’d be moving soon so there was no reason to. I was in a constant state of waiting for my real life to start. I was waiting to find that lock my key would fit into. Knowing isn’t the same as learning. I knew but hadn’t really learned the lesson either.
I think I need to stop waiting because all this time it’s been my real life.