The Pit

Taking that trip down to Florida to spread the ashes of my late ex-husband along various southern Atlantic beaches had a much larger and longer impact than I had anticipated.

I didn’t expect to cry when I did it. I cried. I didn’t expect to feel sad. I felt really sad. I thought I would enjoy being in Florida, I couldn’t wait to get home. I thought I would feel better when I did get home. I felt worse.

I can normally stave off depression and I keep the majority of the negative emotions and grief tightly walled off so that I can function from day to day. If I do get overwhelmed with low feelings I acknowledge them, allow them some time (usually no more than 2 days) and then I work on bringing my mood back up by focusing on all the positive things that happen and spending time with my amazing support network. This time the effort needed was more than I had. I couldn’t pull myself up and I watched the days tick by feeling trapped down in that awful pit that I hate.

I didn’t want to hang out with people (even though I forced myself to) and I didn’t want to clean, run errands, update WP, read, eat or generally anything other than sleep. I was quiet and withdrawn and it was frustrating to not be able to counter it so anxiety got added to depression and soon 3 days had passed, then 4 and 5 and before I knew it the weekend had come round again with beautiful weather and I could barely bring myself to get out of bed and attend a massage therapy appointment I had scheduled. My friend came over and I couldn’t think of things to talk about, could barely make dinner and all the time a part of me was screaming “snap out of this!!!!! you know why you’re sad, you don’t need to feel like this” all to no avail. It’s the first time in a long time thatΒ I couldn’t turn things around within a couple days and I didn’t like it one bit.

The stress of grief and certain setbacks, coupled with one too many people in my life casually making references to killing themselves, knocked me down and it took until last night before I could rally. I’m grateful I could rally though, even if it took longer than I anticipated. Depression sucks. I’m lucky that I can deal with it without needing medications. I try not to think about a day where I can’t rally, where I lose the ability to override those voices that try to tell me I don’t matter. I’d like to think that day will never come. This past week makes it harder to believe that though.

I hope you’ve all had a much better week than I did.

 

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35 thoughts on “The Pit

  1. I’m glad that you found your way back. It’s awful to be that low, but you have had so many trials recently. Maybe you just needed this dark time to deal with it all? I hope you catch a break – finally – and can start to enjoy life again. My thoughts are with you.

  2. Yes! You are back in the light! Keep writing, set 4 alarms if you have to; get another massage- or even better a reflexology session…walk, write to- keep out.
    Many helaing hugs to and for you!

  3. I’ve been in a pit like that, and I’ve heard similar voices.
    The voices lie!!
    I know life’s been rough on you for a while now, but I also believe, with perfect faith, that you matter to more people and in more ways than you could possibly ever imagine! Sending peace, jen

  4. The body and mind need healing time from the shocks. Consider that week your time ‘in hospital’ while you were in recovery. Don’t dwell on having gone through a healing period.

  5. I’ve been fighting this feeling for a couple of weeks and I’m on medication. It seems that some times test me more than others. Glad to hear you are pulling back together.

  6. You have done so well to climb out of your pit! Sometimes it becomes so difficult to cope that we can neither fight or hide depression . We just need to ride it out. You did well to do so, I pray your mood will stay lightened.xxxx

  7. Sorry I’m so late responding here. I am glad you’re feeling a little better now. As others have said, you must be patient with the grieving process – it will take time to recover from all the shocks you have had recently. It can’t help having to listen to people saying they are thinking of killing themselves – it must make you feel very anxious indeed. Perhaps it hasn’t occured to them that you are grieving and unhappy too. My thoughts and prayers are with you as ever. Love Clare xx

    • People, more than anything else, are what I value most and thus the actions of others have the greatest impact upon me. I know that ultimately I’ll be ok, I’d just like to stop being tested so darn much. I hope the week is treating you well.

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