I’m Not Going Quietly On This One

I have had several conversations with friends/family about this and no matter what analogy I try to come up with to explain why this election upset me so much when no other one did I seem to continue to fail in my ability to communicate what my actual issue is to them.  Either that or there just won’t be a way for the different sides to understand each other.  I suppose they’ve completely failed to communicate to me why they would support him.  Just keep saying they agree with what he says and when I ask for clarification (you agree with the things stated above?) they get mad and claim he didn’t mean any of that and it’s all the media twisting things.  Except he did say all those things. They can’t tell me what he said that they do agree with and I don’t know if it’s because they aren’t able to admit to me where they actually stand on these things or maybe they aren’t able to admit to themselves.  I’m done not taking a side though.  I’m not looking the other way and hoping for the best.  I’m not forgetting. Not this time.

1998 Called…

“It’s a Fine Line Between the Monkey and the Robot”

Spend a day trying to sum it up with one quotation
Spend a lifetime as a model of the phrase
Modern man automated to withhold our thoughts with hesitation
Life of redundancy with single mind and double face
And I got to wonder where such a small man got so much hate
Got our own opinions but don’t throw them on the open floor
Get lost in the repetition and don’t want to hear them anymore
Thousands of us dead today, thousands went unfed today
And all we talk about’s the fucking weather
Got your fingers in your ear because you’ve heard it all before
Roll your eyes as if there’s nothing left to say
Here it is, nothing’s changing and I think that’s something
We can not ignore
Dismiss your boredom because I won’t be what you became
Life’s so happy over there on the sidelines
Ant that’s where you’ll stay
Got our own opinions but don’t throw them on the open floor
Get lost in repetition and don’t want to hear them anymore
Thousands of us dead today, thousands went unfed today
And all we talk about’s the fucking weather
And I’ll keep singing the same songs
I’m sorry if you’re bored now
But I can’t understand spending life ignoring
The other side of the story 

Tidal Wave

I occasionally touch on the topics of depression and anxiety, they are not strangers to me (or to most people I suspect) but I tend to have a pretty good grip on my battle with them.

Except when I don’t.

After the US presidential election I tried to calm myself down and rationalize. I tried to focus on other things. I tried to remain positive and hopeful. The key word is tried. I tried and I failed harder than I ever have on the battlegrounds before.

I felt like I was in a boss fight (video game references will be used in this analogy) and I’d not only run out of teammates who could restore HP but I’d run out of potions to cure my failing health and the attacks just kept coming with no time to heal. KO, game over, cue the end music of defeat.

I’ve lost the majority of my favorite (most loved) people and all my safety nets, my house reminds me daily of my loss, changes at work were stressing me out, my immediate family is struggling, the values I hold dear are under attack and the future of the planet’s ability to sustain human life continues to grow more vulnerable. I no longer have a partner to face the world with and it’s unlikely I will ever have children. I simply couldn’t convince myself there was anything worth sticking around for. I would go to sleep and think “please don’t let me wake up” and each morning when I did wake up I just wanted to cry even more.

Logically I knew/know I have a lot of amazing things going for me. I have the best support network a person could ask for, I have a team that I love and loves me at work (the stress wasn’t related to my team), I have a house worth vastly more than the mortgage, I have an enviable skillset and generally good health. None of that mattered when I was in the harshest vice grip depression ever got on me. I gave zero fucks about any of it. I was as numb as one could get, sociopathic levels of lack of feeling.  I couldn’t get out and even the anxiety that triggered was a shadow of itself, paling in darkness of that pit.

I’m not even entirely sure how I broke free. I am still operating under extreme caution. Still mostly numb but more functional. Little snippets of feeling seeping back in, the smile doesn’t seem as forced. My resignation was not accepted, the show must go on…apparently.

I don’t know what the future holds, I do know that I am far more concerned and invested in the outcome than I had let on.

Did the election have this kind of effect on anyone else?