The Struggle is Real

Getting real tired of opening social media, turning on the tv, or any other type of news gathering option, just to see that the POTUS has once again tweeted some bullshit immature spout off instead of acting in a manner befitting his office. I’m sick of seeing the arguments and reactions it causes. I’m sick of the embarrassment (at best) and horror (at worst) I feel in response to the actions of the government I had very little say in electing. Made the mistake of watching a Netflix documentary called “What The Health” and that made me so fucking sad. Combine that with the very real effects climate change is causing all around me and it’s making it way too easy to want to give in to apathy and depression.

It’s a constant battle every day. Trying to motivate myself to not give in to despair. To rally and find causes worth putting effort into. Clinging to hope in the face of cold logic. Reminding myself to appreciate the little moments of joy I am privileged to experience daily. It’s a struggle, and I’m sure I’m not alone in it. Thank goodness for support networks. Thank goodness for the people who love me and the people who let me love them. For asshole cats who hug back. For the power of music and the feel of a hand holding mine. For that first bite of something delicious made with care. For humor in the face of fear. For hot baths and good books to get lost in. Thank goodness for the little things that allow me to keep going despite the raging swell of negativity that surrounds me. Some days tho…it’s all I can do to get out of bed.


Merry Christmas

Every one deals with existential crisis at some point in their lives. Why are we here? What’s the point of life? What could my purpose possibly be?

Everyone has a different answer.

Christmas time is supposed to be a magical time where you can reconnect to that innocent spirit and remember your belief in magic, in miracles, in the basic decency of humans. Unless you live on Earth in the year 2017.

There is so much devisiveness, so many people and media outlets trying to convince people to pick a side. Hatred and fear infiltrating societies around the globe. Life sustainability threatened on a global scale. Planet that supports human life on the decline. Species going extinct at record rates. Crops and livestock suffering casualties daily. People attacking people every second. Peace on Earth…the most foreign of concepts that no one is willing to embrace anymore.

Is this the end times? Do we stand here and watch as people around the globe do one of three things? Do we watch as they ignore the problems humans have created? Do we watch as people kill one another and the planet we depend on? Do we help assist in the mass genocide of all living things on the planet? Or maybe we chose a fourth option. Maybe we stand and we look fear in the eyes and we say “No, not today, today we elevate and become what we’re capable of. We don’t give in to fear, to hate, to insecurity, and to destruction. Today we recognize that humanity and this planet is worth fighting for. We recognize that money is an arbitrary concept, that we are stronger together. We resolve to put in the effort, to be vulnerable, to choose creation instead of destruction. Today we can embrace the magic of the season and we can make a choice.

Choose life, or choose fear. Up to you, but think hard and think long. Because really it’s on all of us.

Lap of Luxury

I’m down in Nuevo Vallarta with family, enjoying a much needed vacation and sun injection. Almost 10 years ago I got my passport for the sole reason of visiting my aunt and uncle at their new time share down here. Instead I met the late husband and never got to use my passport till after he died last year and I went down to Cayman. So it’s nice to know that, just under the wire, I was still able to use this almost expired passport to finally see the place I’ve heard about for a decade.

I’ve only been here a couple days so far but this resort is the epitome of luxury. The service is amazing, the decor tasteful, and the amenities impressive. We’re in a 4000 sq ft 3bed 4bath loft with a balcony as big as my apartment back home. I’ve never gotten to enjoy turn down service before and I’m finding new things to appreciate each day.

The minute you leave the resort, tho, it’s a whole different story. It’s much like those dystopian movies where the class differences are very evident. You’re either a have or a have not. When I took a taxi to the local grocery store to pick up supplies the driver waited in the lot for over 30 min, then loaded up my bags and even made a side stop at a store in a different city just so we could pick up a bottle of wine before taking us back to the resort. The entire trip was over an hour and only came to about $19 American dollars. When he got a 50 peso tip he was so pleased, but that’s less than $3 and it almost hurt my heart a little bit. If I had needed this service back home it would’ve easily been over $50 and no way the driver would’ve waited.

I understand why my aunt and uncle bought here, it’s amazing, but it really reminds me to be grateful for everything I have and all the experiences I’ve gotten to collect in my life. I hope there never comes a day where I would take the services and amenities here for granted.

Enough Already

These last couple weeks have been a whirlwind of stress and fun and more stress. Selling a house is stressful. Looking at apartments is stressful. New relationships are fun…but also stressful when you hit your first bump and have to figure out how to navigate differing opinions. Having your beautiful car damaged through no fault of your own is stressful, the police not getting you the info you need to file a claim, also stressful. Work being full of stressed out people is stressful. Having family obligations happening while you’re trying to do all these things is stressful. Actually packing things up, carrying boxes and furniture out to trucks and then driving said truck all over a busy metro, then unloading it again is very stressful. Getting everything up to a new apartment and finding out they hadn’t cleaned it before giving you the keys and the carpet is covered in pet hair and still smells strongly of dog pee…well that’s just the last straw. I’m trying really hard not to lose it but ffs, these stress levels are through the roof right now. Hope you’re all having a less stressful month.

A, Not OK

I feel sad, and hurt, angry, scared, numb, like I want to sleep, I want a hug, or maybe a drink. I want to rage and cry and none of that will solve anything.

This was the first real attempt, actions instead of just words. Still don’t know if you succeeded but at least I didn’t find you dead. It’ll be a long night and even if you’re mad about this I will defend my reaction. I’d rather lose a friend because I fought to save their life than to lose one to death.

I Win

I just survived the great fludemic of 2017. Many hours of PTO were surrendered to the dreaded virus,  as well as untold memories never made because I had to quarantine myself in my house and cancel all plans for the entire week. I don’t remember ever being sick for that many days in a row (5) before. I hope I never have to endure that again,  it was akin to a hell of sorts. I’m just happy I can think again,  and even though I know it’s not fully over yet I’m just happy to not be running a fever anymore. FLU SUCKS!



I think I can count on one hand the times I’ve grabbed my “real” camera to go on any type of photo shoot since the police came to seize my laptop so they could check it for evidence of child porn over a year and a half ago. I never did get the laptop back, even after ex husband died and their case against him was a moot point, the police refused to give me my laptop back or even a copy of my extensive picture collection I’d edited and stored on it for years.  *disclaimer for anyone who doesn’t know the back story…I do not and never have looked at child porn,  it was my now deceased ex husband who’d bookmarked some sites that contained (among other things) images of child porn and I about died of horror the day I found out.

I’ve told myself a lot of excuses since that day on why I don’t feel like taking my camera out. Grief over the death of my dad,  plus miscarriages,  plus finding out husband bookmarked those porn sites,  plus the divorce,  plus the rest of my immediate family falling apart…the list was endless. What I never considered was the effect losing a huge chunk of my work meant to me. I didn’t stop to think about the connection of that loss being tied to pictures in of itself. I had so many pictures of my niece on that laptop,  of my friends kids from all the family photo shoots I did…frozen moments of time where they were being silly or happy. Did some police officer spend hours of time searching through my neatly organized folders just itching to find one that would prove I had any intention of exploiting an innocent child? That concept actually did cause me trauma. I felt like my entire body of work was somehow sullied just by association. I think that,  more than the rest,  is why I can’t bring myself to pick up my camera and try to capture an interesting or beautiful moment. I love(d) photography,  it was a creative outlet but now I just use my phone for everything because I’ve never associated cell pics with being “real” photography. I don’t even own a laptop anymore and I keep putting off getting one. I think I need to find a way to try and get over this. Yes I lost everything, but I can’t let it stop me from building up a new collection. It’s crazy the things we hide from ourselves because of negative emotions and fear.