Why Is This So Hard?

These past several months have been hard for a number of reasons. Despite the setbacks and grief and drama I have been focused on starting a family and have refused to let the events in my life stop me.

What I wasn’t counting on was how my body would stop me, over and over and over again.

When I was young I did everything in my power to keep from getting pregnant and now all I want to do is see that positive test result. The problem is I keep failing month after month. If it was just that I didn’t have my timing right I might not be so upset right now but my issue isn’t in getting pregnant it is in staying pregnant. The pain from this issue is both emotional and physical and I don’t know how many more times I want to endure this.

I don’t want to wait another 6 months before a doctor is willing to discuss the problems, after all I am not getting any younger. I’m sick and tired of not being able to vent about this or express my disappointment to my support network, there’s still the general consensus that people don’t talk about miscarriages. Except they suck, so much and the more of them you have the harder it gets.

On top of everything else I don’t want to deal with this reoccurring almost every month, and I know this is something I could just stop trying for right now but I have a feeling that if I do give up now that will just be the end of it, I won’t try again because something else will come up or there will be some other detractor. There will never be a perfect time to try and if I am going to do this I have to keep at it until I get the results I want. I just wish it wasn’t so hard. If I am quieter than normal on here though, this is the reason why.


Woke up in the middle of the night to searing pain I’m sure only woman are unlucky enough to experience then when I was getting dressed this morning I tweaked something in my lower back. The joys of a rebellious body unhappy with the choices of one’s youth. All previous thoughts of the insightful post I was going to write today about marketing dictating culture have been obliterated by the alternating sharp and dull pains radiating across my lumbar region. Sometimes I’m really not a fan of this whole getting older business.

Procrastination or Perspective?

How often do you call your grandma (if you still have one) or your great-uncle Albert, cousin Lou or aunt Vickie? How often do you even call or visit with your parents (if you still have them) or siblings? For all the times you spend sitting in front of the television or computer screen, could you be using that time to better connect with family, friends or maybe just the members of your community?

I am so very guilty of letting vast amounts of time go between calls/visits with people outside of my immediate family. Even when they only live a couple of miles away I simply don’t make time for them. It’s not that I don’t want to see them, or catch up, I just never seem to make that tiny bit of effort needed to reach out and connect.

I travelled up to Duluth this past Sunday, with my parents, to visit a relative who is expected to die very soon. I think I can count on one hand the number of times I have ever interacted with this woman and the last time, only a few months ago, I insulted her when I admitted I didn’t remember who she was. If I had known she was going to be diagnosed with a fast acting cancer shortly after maybe I would have tried to apologize and make my amends at that time. Instead I felt awkward and distanced myself at that family event, justifying it by reminding myself I hadn’t seen her in 15 years prior. Watching her lie in that hospital bed, unable to speak or move, only made me feel more awkward. I couldn’t convince myself I had anything of value to say to her. All I could think about was that the last time I saw her I insulted her. I clammed up and stood, very awkwardly, in the corner until my parents were done visiting.

Driving home that night I vowed to call the husband’s grandma more, to call my mother in law more, to text my cousins and write letters to my aunts. I don’t know if I will though. I have had these sentiments in the past, yet I haven’t changed my behavior. I’ve been trying to figure out why it is I think it’s weird to call them, why it would give me anxiety to reach out and have a conversation with them. If I can carry on conversations with strangers on a daily basis with no problem, why am I hesitant to talk to my extended family? I’m charming and witty, funny and full of stories…why do I feel like I have nothing of value to contribute to their lives? Am I just procrastinating or is it my (possibly misplaced) perception that they don’t care one way or another if I contact them?

I doubt I’m alone in being guilty of getting wrapped up in my own life and not making time for those around me, but the question then becomes, why don’t more people make the effort?

I Weep For Healthcare Lost

I am not quite sure when it became a thing of the past, but I still have vague memories of going to the doctor when I was young and actually receiving competent service. I remember being helped by the healthcare system by people who actually cared about figuring out what was wrong with me and wanted me to get better. Those memories stop right around my 18th year. After that I have only poor experiences that have left me feeling disillusioned by the profit machine they dare to call the US healthcare system.

Despite clearly listing my known allergies not a single doctor, out of the dozen or so I went to, could figure out that the pain and discomfort I had been in was due to allergic reactions to the palm oil in all the packaged food that lines our supermarkets shelves and restaurant supply rooms. I had to figure it out by myself and it took me over 20 years to do so. Didn’t stop the healthcare system from charging me thousands of dollars for all the shrugged shoulders, unnecessary tests and wrong guesses by the “experts” I was referred to.

If the issue isn’t so obvious as to be deduced at home it seems like I end up paying excessive fees to have doctors guess, always incorrectly, about what could be causing my issues, same goes for husband. I even went to three different doctors and none of them could identify the staff infection I had. Luckily google was able to give me an answer and an at home treatment and didn’t charge me the $250 office visit the rest of the useless white coats did. When I have better luck using the internet to deduce and treat health issues it’s an indicator of a severely broken system.

Currently husband is very unwell. He’s seen two different doctors and had a slew of tests done and all we get back is indifference and I don’t knows. Blood work came back fine, he must be fine. Except he can barely walk, is constantly dizzy, is so tired he wants to sleep all the time, has almost no equilibrium left, the whole right side of his body aches with sharp pain in his head (he’s never had a headache in his life) and he keeps experiencing chills and stomach pain. This has been going on for over 2 weeks. The only help the healthcare system wants to give us is to make another appointment, pass us along to another doctor, let’s get more tests….BILLABLE SERVICES PEOPLE!

What incentive is there to help people get healthy, seriously? There’s no profit to that. Keeping people sick and making them pay for incorrect guesses is where the money is at. It’s absolutely ridiculous that it’s acceptable for doctors to provide no helpful service yet charge excessive fees simply to be in their presence for a few minutes. If someone hired me to do something for them and I failed to provide that, I wouldn’t get paid. It’s just not how the service industry works and let’s be realistic, healthcare is supposedly a service industry.

I would really like to see the US move to a pay for performance platform when it comes to healthcare. If I go in to see a doctor because I have certain symptoms, they will only get paid a set fee for that. If they can’t figure out what is wrong with me on that first visit, all subsequent visits are free until the issue is figured out and resolved. This provides an incentive for doctors to take a little bit more time and put a little bit more effort into actually treating people correctly. You want to make money, you’re going to have to actually earn it. A pay for performance platform could significantly help transform our healthcare system.

If I am mandated to have health insurance, I want a healthcare system that will actually work to help me get and stay healthy. If people are looking for ways to reduce healthcare costs, the pay for performance platform will do that too. Of course, since this concept makes sense, it will never happen. I am just so fucken sick and tired of paying people to not help me.

Food Poisoning Isn’t Pretty

Not sure if it was the tomatoes from the store, the long beans from my garden or maybe it was the sushi at Crave…but at some point last week some nasty little bacteria, hitching a ride on something I ate, decided to invade my body.

I have been getting steadily worse since Friday morning. Going into work is out of the question. Eating scares me. I sip water to try to keep the dehydration at bay. It doesn’t help that my husband is out-of-town for work all week and I’m running low on supplies like cat food and toilet paper.

I keep thinking I’ll wake up the next day and be fine but five days in I don’t seem to be over the hump yet. I wish I had more focus but all I want to do is sleep. This is a terrible way to lose weight. I miss my daily workouts. Does anyone have any advice to help get rid of this food poisoning fast?

Some People’s Brothers…

After my niece died I worried my family would drift apart. We did, and we didn’t. While the majority of my family became closer my brother has completely pulled away from all of us. For the first time that I can recall he has stopped responding to my calls and texts. He even cancelled on me last minute for the concert we were supposed to be attending tonight for our favorite band, the last tradition we had left.

If it was just him needing time away from us I could wrap my head around it, but there had been a meeting scheduled with the police investigator and the medical examiner to go over the tox report last Friday and my brother completely skipped it. He chose not to tell any of us about the meeting either and my father only found out about 15 minutes before it started when they called him asking where my brother was. How could he not want to find out if they had a cause of death for his child? They didn’t by the way, they have zero explanation for why she collapsed and paramedics couldn’t resuscitate her. All reports showed she was the picture of health. Maybe the mother confessed to my brother what really happened, maybe that’s why he didn’t want to go to the meeting, because he already knew she (the mom) was responsible for the death, but why not share that with us then?

No one can get through to him, he doesn’t want help, he doesn’t want to talk and we’re all left confused and hurt. All we need is a bit of communication and honesty and we’d leave him alone if that is what he needs from us, but just tell us that. I know he lost his daughter but why push us away too? What does he gain by losing the rest of his family?

Slippery Slope or Community Inclined?

Prior to marriage I had just as many male friends as I did female friends. After marriage I have next to none. Some just moved away, others moved on, but I find myself missing the component male friendship used to play in my life.

Sometimes I just want to go out and watch some baseball while I drink a beer and play some trivia. A much easier task to accomplish with a man than with a woman. Sometimes I just want to get my hands dirty and learn how to change spark plugs, other times I don’t want to have to keep up a lengthy conversation but instead just want to shoot things on the virtual Xbox battle field. Often times I’m looking for a male perspective on situations. Yes I could do all these things with husband but when you are used to doing these things in a platonic mind frame it can feel odd to think your only option is with a person you don’t have a platonic relationship with.

Therein lies my quandary. Are married people allowed to make new friends of the opposite sex once they are married? I understand that it doesn’t help a marriage to look outside it for certain things you are supposed to be getting from your spouse, but what I’m looking for is something I feel has nothing to do with marriage. I don’t want male friends to flirt with, I don’t want them to complain about my husband to or provide protection. I grew up hanging out with guys and I’m comfortable hanging out with guys and I like to do guy stuff, so to not be able to do that leaves me with nostalgia and nostalgia can be detrimental to a marriage.

One of husband’s friends is going through a difficult situation and husband has been making sure he goes and visits regularly to provide distraction and support. This is one of the few friends husband has that I have no problems with. Knowing that the friend needs a sense of community I reached out to see if I could offer up some company as well. I am always looking for people to go running with and as the weather is finally warming up he and I have made plans to start working out once a week. Husband has stated he has no issues with the arrangement but when I was talking about it with my brother he looked at me like I was crazy and told me it was a terrible idea. Innocent thinker that I am I am having trouble understanding what the issue is. I just want company as I couch to 5k train and husband’s friend just needs to get out of the house he is cooped up in and likes to be active. None of the women I’ve talked to think it is a bad idea but the few men I’ve asked said it would be opening up an opportunity for something bad to happen.

Maybe it is because I am a woman that I think men and women can have purely platonic relationships. It only seems to be the men that think it isn’t possible. If hanging out with husband’s friend will cause any sort of issue to develop I would rather just not start working out with him at all. I know I am capable of keeping things platonic as I’ve done so many other times before, but if men are not able to do that I feel like I should know now. Men and women just being friends, slippery slope or just part of being in a community?